How to Derail the Slide Towards Divorce

Divorce is becoming more and more common. The statistics are staggering and the effects troubling. It is somewhere around 50% of marriages end in divorce, and over 50% of those are between couples with children. This can be very devastating to children, and something that results in a higher potential of divorce in those children's lives later.
Because divorce can be so devastating to families, and have long lasting effects on children and future relationships, learning how to derail the slide towards divorce is so important.
Learning how to derail the slide towards divorce instead of putting your family through the heartache and pain that inevitably goes hand in hand with divorce, is huge! You can rekindle the friendship you once had with your spouse, be able to see your kids grow up and make sure that they continue to live healthy and happy lives. Not to mention, you'll also save yourself thousands of dollars in lawyer fees and avoid the painful process of starting your life all over again. So, pay attention, derailing your slide toward divorce is as important as eating right, sleeping, and getting some fun in your life.
The following are some of the ways to derail the slide towards divorce:

1. Recognize that you do not find your love, you learn to love the one you found. This may sound cliché, but too many people start sliding to divorce because they expect to just love someone, and not have to work at it. That is not true. You can't "find" lasting love. That is a dumb concept, but one that is reinforced by the media, movies, stories, etc. You have to make your lasting love day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy. If you recognize this, and put in the time, effort, and energy, you will start anchoring your relationship so it does not slide toward divorce.


2. Another way to derail the slide to divorce is to recognize the symptoms of divorce, such as your wife not trying any more, or not complaining any more when she used to complain all of the time, less enjoyment when spending time together etc. Too often divorce is a surprise to one or the other spouse because they do not realize the impending signs of divorce.


3. Rekindle friendship first. Friendship is the basis of a good relationship, so working on that first builds a stronger foundation.


4. Don't crowd them. Don't push. Be patient. If you demonstrate you can change rather than say you can, you will get further. So, if your spouse wants a divorce, and you don't, do not argue, do not point out where they are wrong, that is not what they want to hear. Point out where you are wrong, and be understanding, then work to change their mind, don't talk to. Often critical mistakes are made early in the separation . These mistakes can be very damaging to your efforts to save the marriage. When relationships are trapped in a downward spiral, each partner tends to change for the worse as each reacts to the other's increasingly defensive behavior and deepening despair. So, avoid this by taking the humble path, and just try to please the other rather than fight them on it. Fighting is probably a reason they want a divorce. So, do not try to immediately change your spouses feelings. Instead try to make him or her understand what it is they love about you. Almost always people simple forget why they are in love and only need to be reminded.


5. Figure out what it is your spouse wants or needs. You can't win your spouse's love without knowing what it is that they want from you that you are not giving them. A plan with set goals is essential. So, when they say they want a divorce, say, "I understand." Then try to get to the root of the problem.


6. When your spouse provides feedback or makes a remark, never act defensively. Instead absorb it and learn from it. If you refute what they say, it just increases their desire for divorce, however, if you can simply absorb it, and take it in stride, it shows understanding, and the desire to work toward reconciliation.


7. Refuse to engage in a fight, and never label your spouse's actions or statements. This can be very difficult, but if you are serious about derailing your slide to divorce, statements like..."That doesn't make any sense" or "do I have to hear this again" is not going to help, and will only increase their resolve.


8. Master the art of using "I" statements to defuse any conflict. Do not point out what they do wrong, point out what you do wrong. Say, "I need to work harder." "I will do this." "I want to be better." Do not just say you will try, or that you should or need to, use commitment statements, say you will.


9. Last but not least, never give lip service, if you say you will do something and don't, you put yourself on a very slippery slope and you are worse off than you were before.